Conversations With Myself

HELP! I'm BROKE!

2010-04-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

People keep saying that we are experiencing a unique time in our history. Actually, it's not all that unique. People have suffered hard times before. The difference is, now it is happening to YOU. And yes, it SUCKS! I know. It is ok to admit that. Even if you have to do it in private. Here's something else....you're not alone. Lots, if not most people are feeling the squeeze.

So how do you remain positive in such discomfort? Look for what you CAN do. For me, the hardest days to face are the days when I have to deal with the money stuff. I have pushed those days to the end of the month and "as needed". When I say "as needed", I mean when they call demanding payment or else. I'm especially good to me on those days. I give myself the least amount of tasks and I allow myself to seek shelter in brain dead tv and junk food. Not too much but just a little somn' somn' to make me say, MMMMMMMMMMM! Followed by a grease induced smile!

I heard a story about a lady who never really shared her real financial situation with her friends and family. We'll call her P. She was talking to one of her friends, we'll call her W, about how W always looked so disgusted with things and that eventhough her situation is tough, she'd better start looking at the things that she has. W told P that she was grateful for the things she has. P said, you'd never know it to look at your face. Don't just be gratful but be outwardly gratful for your life and what you have. Don't I look happy? W replied yes. P shared with her friend that eventhough she had to sell some of her furniture to make her rent that month, she was still able to muster a smile.

What I'm saying is.....'Yal better get Happy! We all have challenges but if we manage the stuff we can manage and work to change the situation, and of course, pray to whatever or whomever we believe in, then that's it! That's all we can do. Some things take time. We didn't find ourselves in this situation overnight so we will NOT get out of it overnight. Unless of course the publisher's clearinghouse folks know where you live. Be patient, keep moving, and when you can't move, just be still.

Big Hug!

Things Don't Have to be Wrong to be Right.

2009-07-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany the other day. I realized that things do not have to be wrong to be right. What I mean by that is simply that. Some people are so used to having drama in their lives that that becomes their reality so when there is nothing wrong, they are uneasy, unsure, and THINK something is wrong when in fact, everything is right.

When we work to make our lives drama free, we get into a space of discomfort. We are unsteady because as things become peaceful, they also become unfamiliar and we all can agree that unfamiliar is uneasy. However, what if we consider the possibility that our uneasiness is the symptom of a bigger, more positive root cause………PEACE.

I recognized recently that my life is completely peaceful. Like any adult life, there are things that we don’t want to deal with but they are still “normal”. I do not have a crisis that I have to handle. Once you remove a cancer, it can not grow. I will not let cancer in my life. I have surrounded my life with positive, supportive, and encouraging people and the others may be there but they will not be in the front row. I have thrown them in the back and in the balcony so I do not have to be bothered with their need for negativity. They are more than welcome to witness my progression and growth but they will not steer my course. I am finally on the right road and the wrong people have no place in my journey except as bystanders. Here’s something else to consider. What example are you setting for your children? You are their example. Equip them with a clear roadmap. They will ultimately make their own mistakes and blaze their own trail but you can give them the tools to travel safely and guide them to their destiny, whatever that is.

I challenge you to think about the people in your life and the role they play. Do they feed you? Are they keeping you from something you really want? Are they respectful of you regardless of the life you’ve led or do they hold a debt over your head that you could never pay back in their eyes because unwittingly, they are envious of your fire and new strength?

MONDAY: Make a list of those people. Divide your page in two and add these two headers – “Value Added” on one side and “Benchwarmer” on the other. Think about EVERYONE! Family, friends, colleagues, mentors, no one is exempt! Take the time and have that conversation with yourself!

Then decide. Are you going to let the cancers in your life fester and grow until they have eaten away at your soul? Or, are you going to face that cancer head on and say – I WANT TO LIVE!

TUESDAY: Instead of looking at what’s wrong, take a look at what is working in your life. Make a list of all the things that are right in your life, even if the only thing that is working is that you are able to brush your teeth everyday.

WEDNESDAY: Now that you can see all the things that are right in your life, look at the things that can be better. How would you like to change those things? Again, don’t get caught up in your head about your money or time or circumstances in regards to changing them, just do you want to change it, YES or NO! Make a list of the things you’d like to change.

THURSDAY: Now only tackle ONE thing on your wrong list. Now is the time to be critical but in a good way. Remember, look at each issue and determine what is needed to make it happen. Do not start with “I don’t have….” Forget current, money, time, or circumstances, just focus on what you need to make it happen. If it is money, be specific, how much exactly. You may have to do a little homework. If time is required, how much time will it take to complete? Start slow, if this is all you can handle, that is fine. If you are feeling inspired and encouraged, continue down your list of issues and map out each one.

FRIDAY: So what have you accomplished this week? This week you have realized that all the work you’ve done so far is working. You are noticing that you are less stressed and your life has less drama and that is RIGHT! You have also mapped out an action plan to attack the things that can be better. Keep all of your lists together in your journal and revisit them. Put things on your calendar to work toward completion. Congratulations – You have earned your TREAT DAY! Enjoy the work you are doing.

Remember - Everyday we have a new chance to live a better, stronger, more fulfilling life. Everyday is not promised. Don’t miss your chance.

Quote for the Week - Sometimes you've got to let everything go—purge yourself . . . If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self comes out. Tina Turner (1939-)
I, Tina (1986)

How To Be Your Own Best Friend

2009-06-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

You can’t give away what you do not possess yourself. Knowing yourself is crucial to being able to nurture those around you. One of the hardest things to do is to be alone. But, when we are alone we do not have to be lonely. Self development, self love, pampering, even laughing with yourself should be the norm, not the exception. When you take time to know yourself you feel more comfortable in your own skin. Self confidence increases, morale and the drive and desire to do more, moves you closer to your goals.

Wouldn’t you like to know yourself better. This week’s conversation is learning to be your own best friend. If you have a strong support system, that is fantastic. Few people do. You have to self motivate. However, how do you self motivate if you yourself don’t feel like you have a purpose, there’s no joy, and you just feel uninspired?

SPOIL YOURSELF!

Treat yourself as if you were five years old. Refer to your treat list from the first conversation. Additionally, work from the list below:

Talk out loud to yourself!
Take both the objective outsider position and your own subjective positions and talk it out
Tell yourself what a good job you’re doing
Offer yourself a reward for coping well or being strong or negotiating something
Give yourself a “time out” when stressed or ANGRY or PRESSURED or tired

Speak out loud to yourself in a nurturing, caring way:
Ask yourself how you’re doing – physically and emotionally….answer and respond with understanding
Ask yourself “Do you need anything?”
Ask yourself “What do you really want?”
Ask yourself “What can I do for you?”
Ask yourself “How can I help?”

Console yourself with a comfort treat for your suffering

Give yourself a pat on the back and encouragement out loud

Give yourself a hug when lonely or hurt

Make deals with yourself for rising to a challenge or pushing through an issue

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings

Talk to yourself about your feelings from the perspective of a caring friend as well as from the feeling space

Give yourself permission to walk out, hang up, end it, continue, move forward, stay in bed…….

Tell yourself out loud how far you’ve come

Tell yourself how proud you are of yourself for coping, tolerating, understanding, giving, being strong, being honest……..

Give yourself a little kiss, on the arm, the knee, the hand, the shoulder….wherever you can reach…..because you deserve it!

This week we aren’t going to break it down by day. This week, this is a daily practice. When you are driving alone, talk to yourself out loud. Walk yourself through your plans, your ideas, your frustrations, and your to-dos.

Go out on a date with yourself. Take yourself to dinner, a movie, a play, whatever you’d like to do, it’s on you. And here’s the best part, you are the best date ever because you know what you want, you know when to call it a night, and you are fabulous company!

Let’s not forget our previous conversations. This week, speaking “as if” you are living it now is so important. Your “I Am” statements are especially empowering.

Always remember and don’t ever forget……………..

You are an AMAZING person! You deserve LOVE! And no matter what is going on in your world, You have the right to be HAPPY!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK!

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Change

2009-05-31T19:59:00.000-07:00

Change is the crux of our history and of our lives. Change is all around us in the change from day to night and warm to cold. The change we see in the seasons and the beauty that comes with the birth of spring after the calm hibernation of winter. All of these changes are gradual. They require time, care, and the natural process that is change!

Most of us are good at the beginning or the start and we are very excited about the end or the finish but the process is what trips us up.

Think about the constant changes in your life. As we get older our bodies go through so many changes both internal and external. Our eyes get weak, our hair turns gray or falls out, our middle expands, and we need more sleep. If we’re lucky we watch our children grow into adults and have children of their own and the emotions that we feel during these many changes are varied and deep. We may feel insecure about our looks, we feel sad, lonely, and possibly depressed because of the empty nest that is now our home.

So how do these changes affect us? The positive effects are that we grow more intelligent and wise. We mature and find new ways to solve old problems. We advance in our careers or branch off on our own to create our own fortune by acquiring property and savings and self development. We watch our children grown and we find our true self by becoming comfortable in our own skin. Some negative effects usually show up in the forms of habits; chain smoking, binge shopping, over-eating, depression, anxiety, and anger.

Today we are experiencing changes that we haven’t seen for decades. We are a nation at war, our planet is dying and as a result our resources are over stretched and the seasons that were marginally predictable are now uneven with tornados, snow storms, and flooding in places that historically don’t see such bedlam. Not to mention we are in the midst of making political history. Functioning in that much change can be challenging and some uncertainty is expected.

But what can we do about it. How can we still flourish when we are tired all the time? We must make the choice to do the very thing that is causing us stress……CHANGE! We have to change the way we react to stress and change. Easier said than done – YEP! You’re right but with consistent behavior, you will be better equipped to deal with life’s changes as they come at you.

First you have to identify the changes in your life. When I did this exercise, I discovered I had had a major life changing event in my life every year for the past 17 years. Wow right?

MONDAY – Think about the past two years. If you’d like to go further back, feel free, you may be surprised at what you discover. Write down every major life change you’ve endured. From family to work, new boss, gained or lost weight, had children, lost children to school or otherwise, bought a house, lost a house, or perhaps you got married or divorced. Write down everything you can think of so you can really wrap your head around everything that has happened in your life recently.

TUESDAY - Now that you’ve seen how much change you’ve had over the last couple years you can move past it. If you have had any kind of loss, use today to mourn. A loss is not just for a person. If children went off to school, you lost your previous figure (even if it is a good thing), changed jobs or careers. Use today to accept that it has changed. Go to a place that is peaceful or where you can have time to yourself. Now say to yourself: Today, I acknowledge that things are different and it is good. It means I am living. Life will continue to grow from here and I am growing with it. Everyday I am better than I was the day before and I no longer fear change. Life is change and I am living my truest life.

WEDNESDAY and THURSDAY – In order to manage change you must anticipate change. Now you can’t plan for everything since life tends to be pretty random but you can have a plan. Over the past weeks, we’ve done some goal setting and that is all you have to do today.
1. List the things that are going on and how they will change over the next 30-60 days.
2. Now set a goal for them. Visualize and plan your vision of the outcome of your upcoming changes. Do you need more money, is money ok? Do you want to lose weight, are you moving, is your company relocating, or maybe your youngest is graduating; see these events the way you want them to turn out. Close your eyes and use your change meditation above to talk through your visualization.

FRIDAY – You have now accepted that change is the natural flow of life. As you experience the changes in your life, face them with the confidence that you are acting from your truest self. You can’t run from change but you can grow from it. Today is treat day. Celebrate the changes in your life.

Quote of the Week: All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France

Visual Reality

2009-05-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

Visualization is a significant tool that gives you the power to realize your goals by first seeing yourself in your mind. The premise of “The Secret” discusses the law of attraction and how visualization by first manifesting in the mind can then go to work to bring your deepest ambitions to you.

Now, don’t misunderstand, visualization alone will not magically make your dreams come true, it’s not voodoo. However, visualization can give you your own reality show playing in your head. You still have to do the work.

Visualization can be intangible, in the mind, and tangible via photos or a poster. Visualization through meditation takes discipline but can not only help you see yourself achieving your dreams but it is very relaxing and relieves stress. Visualization through meditation or affirmation is best done in the evening before bed because you are relaxed and your thoughts go into your subconscious and work on your behalf. Using affirmations is another way to visualize your goals. By writing out a script in the affirmative of how you want things to be, i.e., I have $50,000.00 in savings, I am running my own fill in the blank company, etc, and saying it out loud daily, you are speaking your life into being. Remember, “If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.” You know – See It! Believe It! Achieve It!

Well known sleep researcher J. Allen Hobson’s theory is that when we dream, it is our mind’s way of working through the things that are happening in our lives. By planting the seed of how we want our life to look, we utilize the brain activity that is already happening and the law of attraction to summon the things and people we need to move forward to come to us.

Tangible visualization can be as small as a card with your affirmation on it that you refer to everyday or you can make a poster. I call it a “Happy Chart”. A happy chart has specific pictures of what you want to achieve. If there are people in your pictures, they should reflect you. If one of your goals is a car, it should be the specific car and color you want. Make it fun! Use magazines, pictures online, clipart, catalogues, and even scrapbooking accessories to make it more personal. The most important thing is to be specific.

Meditative Visualization – Today I am ready to live the life I deserve. I am focused and driven to be happy!

MONDAY – TUESDAY – Complete your meditative visualization script. In week one’s conversation, you discovered your immediate needs. Begin with the two sentences above and write out your goals. If you want to lose weight, then state, I am blank pounds. I own fill in the blank restaurant where I have enjoyed profits since I opened. You get the pattern. If you need a little time, that’s ok. Make a list of how you’d like to see your life. You may even want to close your eyes and try to visualize living one of your biggest goals. Don’t get caught up in the “ifs”. “If I didn’t have kids”, “If I had more money”, “If I didn’t work full time” FORGET THAT! This is on the premise that all systems are on GO! Don’t worry about those other things in your life; they will take care of themselves as you realize your dreams. First you have to have the vision that you can.

WEDNESDAY – THURSDAY – Begin building your Happy Chart. You will need a colored poster board or construction paper depending on how big you want it. Look for pictures of your goals and glue them to the paper of your choice. Once you have finished, put it up somewhere that you will see it everyday like the back of your bedroom door or closet door, frame it and make it fancy if you want but remember this is a working document so you will want to be able to cross or check things off as you achieve them. (remember to always give yourself a gimmie – one thing that you are either almost done with or just finished so you can immediately add your first check mark as motivation to keep moving)

If you just want to do the visualization, use these next two days to get in the habit of meditating. You can also record your visualized affirmation and play it while you meditate on it. This may make it easier to get in the habit. But, keep in mind, the actual visual chart adds to your focus because it puts it on paper. It’s something you can check off periodically and see your progress. You can always do that later if you wish but it is a valuable tool.

FRIDAY – You have acquired a new tool to move you closer to your goals. Remember that you are a magnificent being and can be and do everything you wish so treat yourself today and keep working toward your goals. It is well worth it! And……SO ARE YOU!

Quote of the Week - To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” Anatole France, French writer (1844-1924)

Reference: http://thinkexist.com/quotation/if_you_can_imagine_it-you_can_achieve_it-if_you/15190.html

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Silly)

2009-04-26T18:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look at life through the eyes of a six year old. All’s right with the world. There is no hunger or pain. There is no war. There is no anger or prejudice. My biggest worry is what’s for dinner. Will it be chicken……again? And, as life so often does, it forces me to look at it through the eyes of a grown-up. A working, divorced, no social life, living from paycheck to paycheck, bill paying, wondering what it all means, grown-up. And yet I find myself still worrying about dinner. And damn…….it is chicken – again!

It’s funny how the simple things never really leave us. As hard as we try they are constant, which is why we should ask ourselves, why forget the little things? Simple pleasures and/or pains are what keep us moving forward. They remind us that life really doesn’t have to be that complicated. We just have to work at making it work for us as individuals.

Think about your simple pleasures. Is it a hot candlelit bath with your favorite aroma candles and bath salts? Is it spending the day with your children and/or grandchildren no matter what age? Is it renting that movie that you’ve seen so many times you know all the dialogue? Is it parking by the water and watching the birds play games with each other? Is it cooking a meal that you’ve never tried before and savoring every bite because you made it? What is it for you?

MONDAY - Make a list of these pleasures and always be on the watch for others. If you’re a planner, plan a day to do one or more of them. If you’re a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person, then carry your list with you everywhere and when the moment invites itself, take advantage and enjoy one or more of your pleasures. Write down how you felt at the end of your day. Did you smile? I think you smiled while you were writing.

We can carry our pleasures with us even after they are long gone. Work on changing your memories.

One of my favorite books is Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. I think about this book whenever I need to bring my thoughts back to a more simple place; back to the thinking of that six year old. The things Robert learned are:

Share everything
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. Take any one of those items and look at it as a grown up and apply it to your family life or your work life and it still holds true. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

TUESDAY - THURSDAY - For the rest of the week, keep it simple. Address phone calls and be honest. If you don’t have time to talk, say that and get off the phone. Only say yes to things that you really mean yes to. Even if you are doing nothing at all, do not take on more than you want or need to do. If you can cook for the week, do it on Monday or Tuesday and just reheat each meal each day. (aluminum tins from Smart & Final is a great way to store meals for the week.) When things come up, don’t put them off until later, do it now. When you move things in your home, put it back immediately when you are done. Fill the dishwasher as you go. All the things that you say to yourself, one day I’ll get around to that – well, today is that day. Don’t take on too much but start from today. If there is something you want to do today, do it. You know the things that require a quick phone call, make the call right then. At work, as things come across your desk, address each item as soon as they are presented not “later”.

FRIDAY – Exhale. Were you honest this week? Did you say no when you meant it? Did you tackle things as they came up no matter how uncomfortable? Then you have KISSed your life and it will love you for it. Keep KISSing. Watch your behavior and pay attention to your body. It will always tell you first if you are operating from your true self. You know those times when your stomach tightens up when you say yes to something that you don’t want to do, pay attention and say, hey you know, I’d really like to but this really isn’t a good time for me.

Quote of the Week – Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, simplify, simplify! ... Simplicity of life and elevation of purpose. Henry David Thoreau ("Where I Lived and What I Lived For" Walden)

Have A Great Week!

Reference: "ALL I REALLYNEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum.

What Are You Saying To Yourself ?

2009-04-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

Positive self talk is a very powerful tool. What we say to ourselves, we believe whether we realize it or not. Low self esteem can be crippling but the self talk we tell ourselves every day can help move us past the negative and destructive place of low self esteem to a confident and focused self image.

Some examples of common negative messages that people repeat over and over to themselves include: I'm so fat, I'm so stupid, I can't do that, I never do anything right, No one would ever like me, I am a klutz. Most people believe these messages, no matter how untrue or unreal they are. They become automatic responses both internally and vocally; for instance if you get a wrong answer you think. I am so stupid. Your comments are usually followed by the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. The messages tend to reflect the worst in everything, especially you, and they are hard to turn off or unlearn. There was a line in Pretty Woman when Julia Robert's character says, it's so much easier to believe the bad stuff. This is very true unfortunately. These messages began as children and like the repetition of tasks can create a habit so can the repetition of negative words. In psychology this is called classical conditioning, like Pavlov's dog.

Also consider what we surround ourselves with. Television and radio programs can subliminally interject negative thoughts, anger, and additional stress. Are most of your favorite television programs drama or reality shows? How about the court shows or toxic talk shows? What about the confrontational radio? While these shows can be entertaining, if they are not broken up with something light and soft, they can be feeding you negative images that manifest themselves in unstable sleep patterns, tenseness in your neck and joints, and sarcastic comments and you aren't even aware of it.

For one week, do not watch the high drama shows or listen to the confrontational radio. JUST ONE WEEK. Notice the difference in your body and your sleep. Make note of it in your journal.

Now let's take a closer look at your negative images and the negative things you frequently tell yourself. For every comment that pops in your head or you hear yourself say, ask yourself the following questions…………….

Is this really true?
Would it be ok if someone else said this to me?
Does this kind of talk honor me?

Some examples of positive self talk that you can practice are speaking in the present tense, e.g., I am healthy, I am well, I am happy, and I have a good job. Also speaking as if the condition already exists, i.e., I do, I am, or I have.

So let's start changing our habit - one nice word at a time.

MONDAY - WEDNESDAY - Start with a journal of your self talk. You can't address an issue until you identify it. Over the next few days, let's become aware of our behavior. Whenever you say or even think something negative or critical of yourself or someone else, write it in your journal. Make two columns on a page in your journal. In one column write your negative thought and then your positive thought in the other column.

THURSDAY - Now you should have a significant list of positive rebuttals to all of your negative self talk. Today, for each positive rebuttal, put some real meaning behind it. List 3 to 5 things that validate the positive rebuttal. for example, if you say, I do things well then list some things that you do well, like cook lasagna, play monopoly, decorate, etc., be specific. The objective to this exercise is to get you really seeing the great things about yourself and steering the focus off of the negative.

FRIDAY - Awareness brings clarity. CONGRATULATIONS! You are now aware of your behavior and well on your way to changing it. But it takes practice. Continue to practice your positive self talk everyday. You may even want to write a positive self affirmation. Over time, you will see that as you put this behavior into practice, the way you speak to others will also be more positive and empowering instead of negative and critical.

So......for all your hard work, today is TREAT DAY! Be good to you today. You've done excellent work. Enjoy the rest of your day and have a great weekend.

Quote of the Week - Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right. Henry Ford

Have A Great Week!

Enough Teen Pregnancy!

2009-03-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

Ok – ENOUGH! There is an issue happening and I must speak on it! I saw Private Practice on Thursday and not only did they touch on this issue of sex pictures that is sweeping teen cell phones across America but now there is yet again, another teen pregnancy only this time, she’s not even a teen; she’s 12.

Juno was 16, the American Teenager is 15, Andrea on 90210 is 16, and now 12? Enough is too much! I recognize these are fictitious situations but they are coming from a real place and the message is not a good one. In real life your issues are not resolved in 30-60 minutes. These children are not giving birth to Sponge Bob! It is a real human life and today’s media is making light of a very serious epidemic.

The birth rate rose by three percent between 2005 and 2006 among 15-to-19-year-old girls, after plummeting 34 percent between 1991 and 2005, the National Center for Health Statistics reported. In 2000, teenage abortion rates were highest in the District of Columbia, New Jersey, New York, Maryland, Nevada, and California. The number of babies born in the US reached record levels in 2007, outpacing the birthrate from the late 1950s. Official figures showed that 4,317,119 babies were born in 2007, the highest number on record. Unmarried mothers accounted for almost 40% of births, and while three-quarters of them were over the age of 20, teen births, after declining for much of the past 15 years, rose for the second year in a row.

These statistics should be very sobering. We have a real problem but lately there has been an unacceptable acceptance of this behavior. What happened to good old fashioned values? What happened to waiting until you were married or at least in love instead of having sex because there’s nothing good on TV? We can’t say ass before 9pm on network television but THIS is ok? I don’t think so!

Teenagers today are faced with so much more than the Gen X’ers and Baby Boomers before them with the accessibility of the internet. This puts them at a needed maturity level that is far beyond anything we have faced before. However, as human beings, our Gen Y’s don’t come with different DNA so these children still don’t know their ass from their elbow when it comes to the realities of the world let alone raising another human life. You have to get a license to drive a car, get married, and even start a business. You have to pass a test to get into higher education but becoming a parent is free. The most important job in the universe can just happen, usually by accident.

But what can we do? Abstinence groups aren’t working. There are lots of people that agree with this opinion but how do we help?

Adolescent girls today deal with body issues, peer pressure, and low self worth. These issues are not new. The today show did a report, July 9, 2007 about parenting and teaching kids what “Attractive” really means. Half (54 percent) of women around the world see family relationships as having the greatest impact on their self-esteem. Two-thirds (63 percent) of women believe that they are expected to be more physically attractive than their mother’s generation. Dissatisfaction with body image increases as girls progress to adolescence. While 75 percent of girls 8 to 9 years old say they like the way they look, only 56 percent of girls 12 to 13 years old feel that way.

Many state organizations have been working with schools to implement proven teen pregnancy prevention curricula in middle and high schools, including working with parents about talking with their children to make healthy decisions.

While 85 percent of the teenage girls who become pregnant every year do not plan their pregnancies, an alarming 15 percent of these pregnancies are intentional. Some girls are under the false pretenses that having a baby will provide them with a certain amount of love that is currently missing in their lives. In, What Ever Happened To Daddy’s Little Girl, a book by Jonetta Rose Barras, she tells how your father is the first man in your life as a young girl. With so many absentee fathers across ethnic lines, our girls are devoid of a role model to demonstrate how they should be treated by a man. The result of this is that many young girls seek that acceptance through promiscuity at a young age.

There are several myths surrounding teen and adolescent pregnancy. Some of these myths are misunderstandings that many teenagers have regarding sexual activity and pregnancy. A common deception among teens is that it is impossible to impregnate someone, or become pregnant the first time they have sex. Other misconceptions are that you can’t get pregnant if you have sex standing up or that you can’t get pregnant unless you are over the age of 16.

It all boils down to parenting. In a time when our children are having children, parenting has ceased. I don’t believe this has happened because suddenly it is no longer important, they are just not equipped. If you were not given the tools, you can not build a sound foundation, let alone a solid house. Our teachers, mentors, and even outside organizations can only do so much. Parenting must be the job of the parent or parents. There is a reason why it takes two to make the child. That does not preclude anyone whether they have a partner or not from teaching consequences. Teen pregnancies delay the progression of our young girls and possibly the future first ladies or presidents of future generations.

Nationally, only two percent of teen moms have a college degree by age thirty. Studies of teenage mothers conclude that between a third and a quarter of them will have a second child within two years. And those who do are less likely to obtain a high school diploma and more likely to live in poverty or receive public assistance than those who don’t.

Let’s work together and get back to parenting our children. Libraries are free and have a plethora of resources to help parents talk to their children about sex. Programs like Teen Success through Planned Parenthood as well as many other women’s organizations can help. Spend time with your children both girls and boys. Television shows like “Sex with Mom and Dad” are showing how to have those conversations and what other things to talk about. Show them the benefit of waiting and having a life of their own and finding out who they are before they become parents. Only then can we save our children from ending their childhood way too soon.

Resources:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/05/AR2007120501208.html
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/2006/09/12/USTPstats.pdf
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/mar/18/birth-rate-us-baby-boomers
https://www.dreamessays.com/customessays/Society/12734.htm
http://www.ask.com/bar?q=centers+to+prevent+teen+pregnancy&page=1&qsrc=2106&ab=0&u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2FReproductiveHealth%2FAdolescentReproHealth%2FScienceApproach.htm

Fear

2008-08-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

Now that you have identified your goals and have given them deadlines, you are ready to move forward.

Here’s what you shouldn’t do……….

DO NOT get back in your head
DO NOT say you can not do this now
DO NOT stop the momentum you have started

You are doing it. This is the process. Every step will not show results but the culmination of steps will help you realize your goals. Believe it or not, some people fear success almost as much as they fear failure. The difference is those that have the courage to try.

This week we will explore fear. Stanlee Cox, M.A., has a wonderful way to look at fear. She says, “Fear and Excitement feel exactly the same in our body ... it's just what we decide about it that makes it one or the other.” If you stop and think about it for a moment, she’s right. Think about how you feel on a roller coaster. The excitement of being thrown and flipped around but you’re kinda scared too. Your heart is racing with anticipation, your eyes get big before the first gyration while you catch your breath in anticipation of the next one and all the while praying that you don’t fall out. Fun huh? Same is true when you face that spider or mouse that scares you. Your heart beats hard and fast and you feel anxious! See a pattern. Perhaps the anxiety you sometimes feel is fear….no, excitement! Well let’s explore.

There are a couple of techniques for overcoming fear such as systematic desensitization which is based on classical conditioning and treats fears through deep muscle relaxation and then gradually confronting a progressively increased series of anxiety producing situations. Flooding is another techniques where you’re dropped into the proverbial deep end of the pool. Similar to learn by fire except with things you fear. You know, fear factor without the million dollars. But that’s just psycho mumbo jumbo. How we tend to react to fear is by shutting down or sleeping a lot, procrastination, or just plain avoidance. WE don’t want to do that so gradually we are going to face our goals and keep moving.

MONDAY - Look at your easiest goal form last week’s list. If the date is a one week goal then it’s already perfect – use that one. If not, find one with the shortest end time and use that one for this week’s conversation. What will it take to get this done? Use colored pens or markers and do a little mind mapping. (see sample to the right) Have fun with it and jot down everything you need to complete this goal/task. Do not sensor! Just write it down. That’s it for Monday. If you’d like to get a jump on Tuesday, start doing one or two of the things on your mind mapping.

TUESDAY – Today, in addition to finishing at least two items on your mind map be sure to assign a day to your mind mapping so that each task is spread out through the week. Easy day huh? Sometimes you just gotta float some of those in.

WEDNESDAY – Remember your tasks for today. In addition, look at your goal list and do the same mind mapping for the entire list. Again, make it fun; colored pens, pictures, and stickers, whatever you wish to make it yours. Keep this in mind; break each time frame into 5 blocks. For example, goals that are one year, give every two months an equal amount of tasks toward that goal. This will give you a little wiggle room. Always remember your treat list. Float in some treats along the way. Some goals will overlap but be sure to be specific and roll over those things that don’t quite get done. This will happen but let it be the exception, not the rule.

THURSDAY – How are you doing on this week’s tasks? Moving along? Hitting some snags? Right now, wherever you are, think about this week’s goal. Read this, then do it………..close your eyes and picture yourself achieving your goal. How do you feel? Hear yourself say out loud, I achieved/finished/am/did fill in the blank. Now that you are relaxed and have seen yourself get closer to finishing your goal for the week, it’s time to create your reminders. You’ve broken your goals down into pieces and what you must do each day/week/month/year. Go and put them all in your calendar. Sit down with a cup of tea and put your goals into whatever system you use either electronic or paper. If electronic, you can have things bleep and ding to remind you of each day’s activities. Treat – Treat – Treat! Calendaring is tedious so do something fun when you’ve finished.

BIG SMILE !

FRIDAY – Well, you’ve had a very successful week! You’ve completed one goal and organized and assigned the rest of the goals we discovered last week. CONGRATULATIONS! Full speed ahead. Can you see the movement, the progress? Remember that sometimes it is slow and other times, with bigger goals, it will feel like fireworks! So…..for all your hard work, today is TREAT DAY! Be good to you today. You’ve done excellent work. Enjoy the rest of your day and have a great weekend.

Quote of the Week - “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon

Reference: Stanlee Cox M.A. http://www.lifeempoweringtherapy.com/

Conversations With Myself

2008-08-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

When starting any new task, goal, or project, it is best to start at the beginning. First you must identify where you are. This first week will be a week of exploration.

We all have basic human needs. Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs shows us that the need we seek most is that of self-actualization; not food and shelter, not money, but the full realization of one's potential in other words....your best self.

Granted, when our money is right and our job or career feel right and our personal life is right we feel like our best self, but how often are all of those things cookin' at the same time? I'm sorry I didn't hear that....did you say NEVER? Yep, that's what I thought. That is because those are all external contributors and usually dependant on other people and the only way to truly find self actualization is from within. Your truth! Your values, your morals, your goals, needs, wants, and passions, but what are they? You may know and if you do then you are one step ahead but most people get caught up in the business of the day.....you know the family, the job, the bills, etcetera and after a period of time, lose site of the things that gave them joy. I always say, think of the things you liked to do when you were five years old. Were you creative, active, ordering other kids around? Chances are, that is your truest self. Explore that. But not yet.

First we have to be honest in what is going on now, so this week while you are contemplating the things you liked to do as a kid, be honest with yourself about the way your world looks today. Honesty comes from our souls and we must first be honest with ourselves before we can be honest in the world. We see dishonest people everyday. You know who they are.....they are the ones that get caught up in labels like Managing Director or Owner and walk around with a sense of entitlement because of that title or social status, as well as other labels like designer this, that, and the other thing but always telling you what the designer is and how much it cost or how immaterial it is to them but it's nice to have. The same is true for the fancy car, the big house, those people that need to either be the center of attention, antagonize, ridicule, or poke fun at everything. These people are hiding behind these things because they have not found their own truth. Don't misunderstand, the material rewards like the designer whatever, financial freedom, the fancy car, and the big house are all great but they are just things and achieving them should be it's own reward - no billboard needed. Conversely, have you noticed those people around you that always seem to have this calmness, this sense of certainty that they do not boast or brag, they are probably the best listeners in the office or in your group, and you rarely if ever see them riled up or stressed. These people have found their truth. It may be in their faith, their creativity, or something that is not obvious to those outside of their immediate circle but there it is. This is the goal! So... WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

MONDAY - Get a journal or a dedicated notepad for this and other projects. Have fun with it. Use color or themed notepads and books. This is for YOU! Find a quiet place and take about 15 to 20 minutes to just be honest with yourself even if it sounds hurtful or selfish. List how you really feel about the things in your life. Not what you think people want to hear but what your mind drones on and on about when you are trying to sleep, i.e., my boss is an idiot, I love my book club and wish I could do that all the time, I hate getting up at 2am to feed my baby, I wish I didn't have any children, I wish my spouse was more attentive to my needs, I'm lonely, I want to go back to school to get my degree, I'm sick of never having any money. Whatever you really feel. WARNING....there may be tears, heart palpitations, stomach knots, and pangs of guilt. This is normal. Remember....you are the only one that needs to see this so this is how YOU REALLY FEEL! Just dish for now. Tomorrow we will take a closer look.

Now this may seem like a pretty doom and gloom list of things but don't look at it that way. Look at it as the things that we are taught we are not allowed to feel but we do. As human beings, anger, frustration, pain, and fear are natural feelings but we are taught to push them to the side and to some degree we must in order to function in the world on a daily basis; but if we suppress them, they become roadblocks that show up in depression, anxiety, overeating, and short tempers. This is not healthy and not productive and certainly not your true self!To offset all the heavy stuff that's really going on, start a Treat List - write down the things you like to do - see a movie, play video games, your favorite restaurant, get a manicure and pedicure, your favorite flavor of ice cream, etc. Nothing is too big or too small.

TUESDAY - Pull out your list of honest feelings and get a colored pen. Now let's put a positive spin on these things that are keeping us up nights. Rephrase everything you wrote. For example.. My boss is an idiot but I really enjoy working with Sue the other manager in the office. I love my book club and wish I could do that all the time (this one you can leave alone or perhaps you'd like to start a book club on your own or introduce your book club in other areas of your life like your family or your church.) I hate getting up at 2am to feed my baby but I love my child and maybe I can get my spouse to get up with me sometimes, I wish I didn't have any children but they are so smart and I am so proud of them, I wish my spouse was more attentive to my needs but look at all the wonderful things they do..and list at least five things they do well and for you - not the family - for YOU! Do you see where I'm going with this? It is ok to acknowledge those things that are wrong but it is also important to acknowledge what is right too. Now, again, be honest. If you can not find something positive in what you have written highlight it because these are the things that are HOT! You are rapidly approaching the breaking point when it comes to these things so these are the things we will want to address first. That's it for Tuesday - treat yourself to your favorite dessert or a movie or something. You have done good work these last two days. Congratulations. I'm proud of you.

WEDNESDAY - Today we will look at the HOT items. If you don't have any hot items see "no hot items" below for your conversation for the day:

Hot Items: Look at those things that are highlighted and again you MUST be honest. Is it something that you can change? If it is something you can change write CHANGE next to it in red. Don't worry about how long it will take or how much money you need to change it just is it changeable. Also, don't get caught up in the "ifs", If nothing....can you change it or not; for instance, you can change a job but you can not change a person. You can give information but you can not control how it is received or used. Get it? After you have identified the things you can change, create another list. Draw a line down the center of a fresh page. On one side write CHANGEABLE and on the other side write I FORGIVE AND RELEASE. List your changeable items on your changeable side and the things you can not change on the forgive and release side. Now tear off the I Forgive and Release side of your page. You can address this side in one of two ways or you can do both if you wish.

Option one - write a letter addressing each item on this list. Say what you want to say the way you want to say it. Use profanity, descriptions, whatever helps you to address this issue, forgive it's existence and release it by mailing each letter and tossing your list.

Option two - find a safe place and burn the list. Feel free to make it into a ceremony if you wish by saying a few words out loud. Invite some trusted friends if you wish but destroy the list. An added positive twist is to plant a seed for each thing you are releasing in the hopes of growing something positive from it's release.

No Hot Items: Look at your list and pull out the top five things that you would like to change tomorrow if you could. These are your HOT items. Refer to HOT Items above and continue with todays conversation.

REMEMBER - You have released these items to a higher power. They no longer haunt you and you have made peace with the fact that they are bigger than you and you can not change them. As of today, these things are no longer an issue! The one thing that is always changeable is your acceptance and interaction with the things that appear in your life. You can participate or not. That is always your right.

Now - Take a deep breath in and release it! I know...that was hard but you did it. Congratulations. Tonight you should sleep better than you have in a while. Relax for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is another day.

THURSDAY - Today is marginally easy. Today we will put a time-frame on your changeable list. This is basically goal setting. Again, don't worry about how much money it will take and what else has to be in place, just put a date - ideally a month and a year - when you will change it. Some things have the end or change date built in like 2am feedings and special projects while other things are harder. Use this scale: one week, one month, by the end of this year, two years, three years and stop there. You may need to go bigger but I want to lock you into at least a three year time-frame to start. That's it for Thursday. Have as much fun with this as you like. Visualize yourself making these changes and how your life will feel when these changes are complete. Really feel it. Feels good huh?

FRIDAY - Congratulations, you have successfully identified your needs; the things that will, at least in the relatively near future, give you a sense of self-actualization. You now have a list of things that you plan to take action on as well as the date of completion. You have effectively set clear goals and so today is TREAT DAY! As a reward for all your hard work this week, you need to refer to your treat list and choose something to do for YOU today. Alternatively, if this week's conversations were too much for you and you did not complete them you must do a penalty, clean your house, do laundry, something you have been putting off because you just don't want to do it - DO IT NOW! But don't push and don't beat yourself up about this. Revisit this conversation next week and try again. Never Give Up!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK - A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Confucius